Friday, February 08, 2008

that seals it

I give up.

read the comments. I guess there really isn't any - or enough - trust in marriage for friends of the opposite sex to be possible.

I'm so fucking tired of wondering why, and now I know. Even if everything else is there for friendship, I'm not allowed.

so I'm not trying any more.

13 deeply creased, dogeared comment(s):

Mir said...

I think that's too broad of a brush, Bob. It depends on the people involved.

I don't have a problem with my husband having female friends (and he does) and he doesn't have a problem with me having male friends. The fact remains, however, that I almost always have more in common with women than with men, so certainly the NORM is for me to hang out with women. And some people are a lot more concerned about the norm than others.

(And those people are possibly missing out, which is too bad, but not really your problem.)

liv said...

I agree with Mir and not just because I selfishly want you to be my friend. And, if we judge by conventional scales, divorcee with kids is probably the worst "friend risk" out there.

I think what I took from J's post is that it's the other woman who has the problem typically. You know, I might bristle if I thought a mommy was getting chummy with my husband at the playground. But, you're right, trust is the main thing. Without it, we're toast.

Maggie said...

Ditto these two ladies. I've always gotten along with guys better. But the biggest problem with friendships in marriage is not the two wanting to be friends, its their spouses and having to worry about how they will react. You may know that your spouse trusts you, but what if the other doesn't. Could that spell trouble? It's just a thing. That being said, I so don't get the attitude that it's a rule. It's only a rule if you make it that way.

Slow Panic said...

I was one of the people that said it wasn't possible. now I feel bad. I was thinking of one instance i am aware of where the friendship crossed the line to an affair and that's a dangerous place to be. that said, some of my best friends are men, i guess i was thinking of hanging out with them like i hang out with the girls-- like going out and stuff. i don't know. for every rule there is at least one exception. dude, don't give up. we all have to find friendship where we can find it!

Anonymous said...

Bob, it's not so much a statement about marriage as it is individual insecurities that feed jealousy. It's not "right," but it is (obviously) very common.

As said above, don't give up! Now you know you just have to take a few more steps, and include two more people to get such a friendship off the ground.

meno said...

thinking about this....


Pulse elevated.

comment later.

Julie Pippert said...

I didn't so much see people saying you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex as that you have to be CAREFUL about the dynamic and RESPECTFUL of the marriage.

Probably enough of us have been in a position where we had to deal in one way or another with a person outside of our relationship who didn't understand that respect bit.

Like I said in my comment---with some experience under the belt, empathy, wisdom, and courtesy---most of us have learned/decided it is best to start out the dynamic from the safe mode at the beginning.

And TBH? I doubt that many of us are really distrustful of our spouses unless they've given reason. In that case, different story.

On my part, it is more an issue of time and distraction. Between two jobs, kids, house, chores, errands, friends, family, and busy full life, my husband and I are careful with our time for each other.

We need to come first with each other.

jen said...

Bob-o. Dude, I've got dude friends, J has chick friends. Life swims along.

Oh, The Joys said...


What I wrote wasn't meant to be discouraging.

I just think it can be misinterpreted when a married woman and a married man make a strong and primary connection independent of the other two spouses.

For example, if you and I wanted to become friends, I imagine it would be FINE with our spouses if the four of us had all met and developed an overall sense of trust and understanding about our relationship dynamics - as couples and across couples. Without that trust and understanding, there are an infinite number of unmeant and unnecessary problems that can (and do) come up - even with the best of intentions.

Sorry to make you feel depressed aobut female friendships. I do think they are possible, I just think marriage makes the way they launch different to accommodate respect for the partners.


Lee said...

Bob, I think I'll stay single thank you. ;)

amusing said...


Fuckit indeed (see label for this post) -- and I started above and was working my way down, so I will reiterate what I said above for any married woman who stops here, but not there, wondering if she should let her man have female friends she hasn't fingerprinted and done a full security check on:

Oh, crap. I can't even read all this stuff.

It all reminds me of my mother saying "none of the other mothers at the kids' school will want to have anything to do with you. They will be afraid you will steal their husbands."

That comment really pissed me off.
Some of these comments really piss me off. That maybe the world really thinks that way.

I have no friends because the women are scared and jealous, I am single, and men aren't allowed to talk to me.

Well, that's a fine kettle of fish.

I was really hoping people were better than that. But I guess not.


Melanie said...

Can I sit on the bench with you? I want to start a revolution. I am a single mom, and get along much better with men. Hence I don't have many friends that have children.



Robin said...

i'm clueless with this one.

i think i am perfectly capable of forming relationships with PEOPLE (regardless of gender) without fearing repercussions of "something" to come.

i have no idea how to respond to the idea of not making a friend because of how it would look or what possibly might come from it.

how sad.