Saturday, April 08, 2006


Well. Wasn't that fun. Take 12 cd's plus random play. One hail storm. Two wrecks and one rush hour. Mix for 15 hours and you get yesterday. AND I've gotta do it again Monday.

Don't get me wrong. It's worth the difficulties to be here. The kids need to see their grandma, and I need to see my wife. I really miss her. She's got such a load of responsibility here taking care of her mother I wish I could be here for her. But, someone needs to keep things going at home. And she has her sisters here to help, so it isn't like she's going through this alone. But still.....

MIL is coming home Monday. I haven't heard the full scoop, but I expect that her condition is such that they can't (or the insurance won't) help her there. So, home she comes. I don't think this will be home hospice, I believe that she'll get home nursing. I think coming home is probably best. There've been a few episodes at the hospital and also where she's at now in which she hasn't had the best care. In her condition (and with one of her daughters being a nurse) she'll get as good care at home as she would anywhere else. FIL doesn't appear to be fully convinced of this, from what he's mentioned it looks like he's afraid that they'll do something wrong at home, or she'll have a crisis and it'll hasten her end. Personally I think that she won't survive another crisis, even if it happened in a facility. But he's got to do what's best for him as well as her.

I started this blog to give me a place to record my feelings thinking that it would help me when I had no one else to talk to. So far it reads like a series of events instead of how I feel about those events. That isn't really surprising as I've never been good at evaluating my feelings. I will try harder to do this. It's early yet but I am finding that it is forcing me to organize my thoughts somewhat, to think through how I really feel about something to the extent that I can write it down coherently. I can't imagine anyone on the internet is interested in what's happening to MIL - or me - so I might as well use this for what benefit I can get from it.

I've been worried about my wife and how our relationship is right now. She isn't much for expressing her feelings either. She doesn't do PDA very well (public displays of affection), its taken me years to get her to hold my hand or to kiss me in public. Since I left her in KC to help care for her mother, we've talked almost every night but it hasn't been very personal. I know this is an emotionally trying time for her and its selfish of me to expect her to address my emotional needs too, so I deal with it. It was nice when we got here she gave me a big hug and it's if we hadn't just spent two weeks apart. Being married for 21 years means that you pick things up where they left off, I guess, and don't make a big deal of it. We are years past the "I can't get along without you, yada yada yada." But I still think it, in a way. I miss her.

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