Didja miss me?

I haven't posted in 3 months. I'm not a writer, nor do I aspire to be. I started this blog to give me a place to talk and maybe to record what was going on in my life. An on-line diary. Not having the impetus of being an aspiring novelist, I gradually lost the motivation to write here. My wife came home and life kinda resumed its normal flow. I obviously didn't have the discipline to keep it up, I'm not sure I'm going to in the future either. I don't really have anything to say to anyone, I'm no one special, why would others want to read my ramblings?
So - do I restart this attempt at an on-line diary?

We will see.

Place all metallic objects in the bin and step through.....

I've been trying to figure out how to make these posts easier to write in terms of referencing the people in my life without always saying "my wife...", "my son....", etc. I want to make the tone more conversational - even if no one else is reading this - without losing the semi-confidentiality of who's exactly who. So, I'm gonna try initials. It may or may not work, but we'll see. I'll maintain a legend somewhere or another providing a key to who the initial applies to. Since no one is reading this - or at least is leaving comments - I have some time to work it out. Here goes.

Howdy, Howdy, Howdy. Been busy here, how 'bout y'all? D is on her way to KC. Last week was finals, her last one being yesterday. We moved her out of her dorm room last night. Today was her exit inspection and then after I got off from work we drove her and a friend of hers to the airport. D's friend's (DF) mother (DFM) had come down a few days ago to move all of her stuff out of her dorm room. DFM came down early because she is in college too and her finals are today and so couldn't make the trip to pick up her daughter. So when DF heard D talking about flying to KC she asked for a ride. So she rode with us and took MARTA from the airport. D was a bit nervous about going through airport security for the first time herself. And the last time she flew it was pre-9/11 and there weren't so many rules. The bit about taking off your shoes kinda threw her for a minute or two. (Maybe she was worried about knocking out the screeners with foot odor. When she was living with my mom - during her first semester in college - my mom approached me gingerly and in a real hesitant way suggested that we get D some foot powder as her shoes stunk up the upstairs!) I explained also about taking her laptop out of her backpack, emptying her pockets of cell phone, change, etc. I watched her disappear into the x-ray machine and left. She called a few minutes later to tell me that she had no problems with security and that she had found her concourse. I don't know if you've been through Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, but it's huge! The train is about 3 stories underground, so you ride these never-ending escalators up and down from the concourses & ticketing levels. Also, there's a moving sidewalk between concourses. One time I wasn't going to wait for the train and decided to use the moving sidewalks. I'd done so in other airports and no big deal. I left concourse C heading for baggage claim. Even with moving sidewalks, I'd bet it was half a mile at least! It took forever.

Anyway, D's flight left 50 minutes ago. I'm waiting to hear that she's arrived. W is meeting her there, and WS1 (one of W's 4 sisters) is going to be there too. MCI (KC's major airport) is over an hour from W's folks, so D still has a good bit of trip left.

This past weekend I got to spend some time with my parents - the first time in about 2 months. They've been traveling some and I've been yo-yoing between KC and here since the middle of March. It was great seeing them, it brought a little normalcy back into my life. Dad has a new hobby and is REALLY EXCITED about it - he couldn't wait to tell me about it. He now does geocaching. This is, in it's most simple form, a technological hide and seek. Someone hides a container - sometimes small, sometimes large - and posts it's location using lat/long coordinates on certain web sites dedicated to this hobby. The cache usually contains at least a log and a pencil/pen. The larger ones contain little doo-dads. The seeker (Dad) programs these coordinates into his GPS and then takes off to find it. When the cache is found, the seeker opens it and signs the log. If it is one of the larger caches, then the seeker can take a doo-dad replacing it with one brought along for the purpose. The caches are usually cleverly hid. He took me on a search Sunday. This cache was a small one - a military match case. It is a cylinder of about .5 inches in diameter and 3 inches long. The GPS led us to a mall, in an area with a gazebo, some benches and some greenery. We searched for about 45 minutes - pawing through the bushes, looking all over the gazebo and benches, everywhere! We were about to give up when two guys came out of the store next to this area and asked what we were doing. Dad explained about geocaching and one of the guys said he thought that was what we were doing, he'd seen other people doing the same thing. In addition - he knew where the cache was. So - being hot, sweaty, and ready to give up anyway, we asked for hot/cold clues. Even then it took 10 minutes before Dad found it. It was velcro'd under a slat in the bench. And we had both look over those benches several times! These caches can be anywhere. I think they started out in the woods - like in a state park - somewhere publicly accessible but where the cache wouldn't be accidentally found and/or removed. From what Dad told me about how other caches have been hidden, the CIA should hire these guys. Talk about sneaky.

MIL seems to be holding her own. She isn't any better, but she isn't any worse either. She still isn't speaking but from what W is saying MIL is moving a bit more than she was. Maybe its just taking some time for her brain to sort itself out from the last stroke. In any case, since she's stabilized and since W's FMLA is almost up, W is making plans to come home. She's documenting all of the care she's providing so that FIL and sisters can take up where she will be leaving off. So, barring any negative events, W will be home by the end of the month!!! It will be interesting to see how we will work out subsequent trips. W had to burn all of her vacation/sick time during this time so she won't have any time off for quick trips up. She'll still have a few weeks of FMLA available for emergencies though.

S and I will be going to KC this weekend to visit and bring D back home. I'm looking forward to the visit but I'm damn well not looking forward to the drive. I'm also trying to hook up with BF. I haven't seen him in a few weeks and I'm trying to keep in close touch. With his mom gone now and his dad having passed last December he's had it really rough and I worry about him. I guess one good thing to come out of this, in addition to seeing him much more, is that it seems to be bringing him and his girlfriend back together.

And that is a story for another time. I am going home and going to bed.

Later days.

Home again

Back from KC. MIL is about the same. She did speak a few words last Thursday, but not since. Part of me thinks that maybe she's giving up. But I don't know. Speaking has been so much of a chore for her the past few years, the strokes really affected her ability to speak and swallow. But, before the most recent stroke she had been speaking a little. So I'm back to the conclusion that maybe she's stopped trying. It is discouraging.

Despite the circumstances, the stay in KC was great. I really miss my wife and the time we had together - even if it included activities like helping her clean up MIL's bottom - was much needed. We didn't get out much. I had wanted to take off and spend some time away from the house but with MIL coming home from the hospital and schedules having to be reorganized it just didn't happen. We did eat out once or twice but nothing else.

I got back Sunday night. It is taking a few days for me to get rested and back to normal activities. I'm still tired. I made the mistake of taking a nap yesterday when I got home from work and wound up staying up half the night. So - I'm still tired! Duh. It's showing too. During the day, if I take a break, I kinda shut down and am not much company. I went to lunch yesterday with a few coworkers and pretty much just sat there, or got argumentative during discussions on some current events. Ordinarily I don't push issues, I just let it go. I didn't yesterday. See - I'm tired.

Anyway. It's lunch time, so..... see ya.

Deja Vu, again

Well, here I am in KC - again. I was talking to my wife Sunday about how she's doing, when I should visit, etc. and she told me that she was thinking of me coming up next week. We started talking about her mom and how severely this latest stroke was and how she was handling it. My wife is taking this latest stroke hard. Her mom had been slowly gaining some little strength and things seemed to be progressing - and then this. I asked if she wanted me to come up sooner and she hesitated..... and so here I am. I went in to work on Monday and told my boss I needed to come up and then left. I had had not quite 2 hours sleep Sunday night and wasn't looking forward to a 14 hour drive. Jiminy - I was a caffein junky for a day. I stopped about every 1.5 hours to pee and get a new cup of coffee. I'm still tired. But I'm glad to be here. My wife seems to be happy to see me. I got here about 12:30 AM local and we talked for about 2 hours. We went to the hospital together today. I took her to a japanese steak house for lunch. Arthur Bryant's is on the list for this week, and I want to maybe treat her to a steak dinner sometime too. She's worked so hard taking care of her mother I want to try to do a few special things for her while I'm here. (not only food!) Maybe the Nelson, or the Liberty memorial - something not associated with nursing her mother.

Speaking of, MIL has moved her left arm, so maybe the stroke wasn't permanently disabling. She's coming home tomorrow under home hospice care. Back to square one on the home routine of medicines, turnings, etc. The hospice has their own equipment, so tomorrow morning new stuff arrives and the old stuff - hopefully - will go away. They pay for all medicines (related to her terminal diagnosis) as well as nurse visits, someone to come and bathe her a few times a week, councelling, 24 hour support, etc. Medicare pays for it all. Sounds like a good deal. The medicines that aren't directly related to her diagnosis should be picked up by their insurance.

Switching to hospice brings home the fact that this is really the beginning of the end. Rough times ahead.

Bad News

You know, it seems that all I write about here are the bad things that are happening to me - and here's another: It looks like MIL had another stroke. She wasn't acting herself late yesterday and today she cannot move her left arm at all, and she can hardly move her left leg. They're trying to get in touch with her doctor. They haven't taken her to the emergency room - what could they do for her? Just a few weeks ago, hospice was where she was headed.

She had been doing well (as well as could be expected), showing some improvement in being able to move and speak. I guess we had let our guard down and had started to be optimistic about her condition. My wife is really upset, it's been a reminder that her mother could go at any time. I really wish I could be there. I asked if she wanted me to come, she said no. It's frustrating that I cannot help her.

better late than never....

I owe myself an apology. I started this blog to record the events in my life and their effect on me, and then I let it go almost 2 weeks. This is partly due to my dead keyboard at home, restricting me to internet access at work - AFTER HOURS - and with my wife being gone not having much time to spend after hours, home time being more important. This is also due to the fact that, as indicated in my last post, I had prepared this huge post using my son's laptop at home and then losing it when publishing. So here are some odds and ends about the last two weeks.

I took the kids up to KC to see their grandma (and mom) two weekends ago. It takes 14 - 16 hours (depending on bladders and backsides) one way. Friday and Monday were trip days. I was exhausted, having driven the entire distance myself (my son forgot his wallet - and license - at home, my daughter has only her learner's permit and has had little interstate experience).

MIL is now at home, the care center discharged her only 4 days after checking in. There was a huge disagreement within the family about bringing her home, in short some (read one daughter) thought she should be admitted to an in-patient hospice - basically to die. However, since coming home she has gained some strength. She has sat up once or twice and has been able to roll herself onto her side - huge improvements from when she had the heart attacks/stroke last month. She's awake more (my wife thinks the hospital was fairly free with pain meds and tranquilizers) and, according to my wife, is bored. She kicks her pillows off of the bed and refuses tv, being read to, or even pictures - and she loves looking at family pictures. She is in a bed in the living room so she can see and be seen, which may help the boredom. My wife is the primary care giver and I worry about her. She sleeps on the couch to be near MIL and is up several times a night. And she gets VERY cranky when she doesn't get enough sleep! I wish I could be there to help, but someone needs to keep the home fires burning. I can't decide when to go up next. Daughter's college finals are over on May 6th, so maybe I should wait so they can go with me, but by then it'll have been 4 weeks since visiting. I can't really afford to go myself next weekend and then go again with the kids when school is out. If I wait and something happens between now and then......

Nothing much else is going on, work is the same; my car is still in the shop, so still driving the caddy! I'm getting a little too used to driving it, but I still will be glad to get my volvo back. It looks like I'll be about $1000 poorer for it, though.

On a completely different subject, I read a blog post about women raising daughters. In general, it was about how much more difficult it is for women to raise daughters than sons. People write books about this subject, so I can't hope to do more here than a brief comment. I was surprised to hear about this. I would have thought it would have been the opposite - women challenged by sons, men challenged by daughters. I will admit that I do not spend a lot of time thinking about gender roles in our society, in fact I tend to resent predefined roles arbitrarily based on gender. In my own experience, a good many of the difficulties in growing up is living up to society's expectations of you. I don't like being excluded from something because of that damned chromosome. I tried to raise my children as gender neutral as I could - i.e. no pink vs. blue, none of this business that they couldn't do something because only boys/girls can do that, etc. Maybe I made things more difficult for them in that my kids didn't always share the same interests as other kids their age, I don't really know. I've always thought that there should be gender equality in everything. I had an essay I wrote published in the local newspaper when I was in high school regarding women being long overdue for equal rights. As long as someone has the skills necessary for a job, they should be eligible for it and be paid accordingly. I might be taking the wrong tack here, maybe the opinion expressed in the blog wasn't that it was harder for a woman to raise a daughter, maybe it was that it is harder for anyone to raise girls vs. boys. I didn't find it so raising our two, but maybe I should talk to my wife - I certainly didn't do it by myself. I think maybe I should read the book referred to in the blog. It is, I believe, a collection of essays about women raising their daughters. As far as I know, there isn't anything in there from men. I know that many (if not most) women feel that they still do the child rearing in our society, and they pretty much do. But men do too. I know plenty of conscientious fathers who share in the raising of their children and I'm curious what they would have to say. I only know that I had fairly equal trials/tribulations/problems/whatever raising both kids. In fact, my son has been more of the "problem child" - he's had more than his share of emotional issues the past 2 years. All in all, I can't say that one was more difficult than the other, they are individuals and each raised as such.

dammit

I wrote a huge post about this weekend, tried to publish, and..... no post. lost the damn thing.

I'm tired of this crap and I'm going to bed.

later.

Phew

Well. Wasn't that fun. Take 12 cd's plus random play. One hail storm. Two wrecks and one rush hour. Mix for 15 hours and you get yesterday. AND I've gotta do it again Monday.

Don't get me wrong. It's worth the difficulties to be here. The kids need to see their grandma, and I need to see my wife. I really miss her. She's got such a load of responsibility here taking care of her mother I wish I could be here for her. But, someone needs to keep things going at home. And she has her sisters here to help, so it isn't like she's going through this alone. But still.....

MIL is coming home Monday. I haven't heard the full scoop, but I expect that her condition is such that they can't (or the insurance won't) help her there. So, home she comes. I don't think this will be home hospice, I believe that she'll get home nursing. I think coming home is probably best. There've been a few episodes at the hospital and also where she's at now in which she hasn't had the best care. In her condition (and with one of her daughters being a nurse) she'll get as good care at home as she would anywhere else. FIL doesn't appear to be fully convinced of this, from what he's mentioned it looks like he's afraid that they'll do something wrong at home, or she'll have a crisis and it'll hasten her end. Personally I think that she won't survive another crisis, even if it happened in a facility. But he's got to do what's best for him as well as her.

I started this blog to give me a place to record my feelings thinking that it would help me when I had no one else to talk to. So far it reads like a series of events instead of how I feel about those events. That isn't really surprising as I've never been good at evaluating my feelings. I will try harder to do this. It's early yet but I am finding that it is forcing me to organize my thoughts somewhat, to think through how I really feel about something to the extent that I can write it down coherently. I can't imagine anyone on the internet is interested in what's happening to MIL - or me - so I might as well use this for what benefit I can get from it.

I've been worried about my wife and how our relationship is right now. She isn't much for expressing her feelings either. She doesn't do PDA very well (public displays of affection), its taken me years to get her to hold my hand or to kiss me in public. Since I left her in KC to help care for her mother, we've talked almost every night but it hasn't been very personal. I know this is an emotionally trying time for her and its selfish of me to expect her to address my emotional needs too, so I deal with it. It was nice when we got here she gave me a big hug and it's if we hadn't just spent two weeks apart. Being married for 21 years means that you pick things up where they left off, I guess, and don't make a big deal of it. We are years past the "I can't get along without you, yada yada yada." But I still think it, in a way. I miss her.

And Theeeeyyyyy'rrreee off.

6:00 AM comes EARLY. We're leaving for KC tomorrow morning. Oh my.

I'm taking the kids to see their grandma. I'm afraid that this will be their last chance to see her.

I dunno how to follow that.

MIL has been moved from the hospital and into an advanced care facility. From what I understand she will be here for a few weeks and then home. Think positive thoughts.

I'm fried, I can't come up with anything more coherent, so I'm off to bed.

See ya' in KC.

Comin' Home - NOT.

I had this post all ready to go - my mother-in-law was going home. My wife told me this last night. MIL is as stable as they can make her, so no more need for hospital. They were calling around to get a hospital bed for the house and making all of the arrangements.

BUT - my wife called again this morning to tell me her dad had changed his mind. He's putting MIL into a care center for a few weeks, THEN bringing her home. My wife was slack-jawed at the sudden change in plans. All we can figure is that he's scared to have sole care of her at home. He's mentioned in the past few weeks that if he brought her home he's worried that he'd do something wrong and kill her. I'm worried that she'll die in the care center. I don't know this, but i think she'd rather die at home. I don't really know what she wants, but she'll agree to whatever FIL decides.

So, the rollercoaster continues.

Fun Fact

I have been told (reliably?) that when a man is embalmed, a rod is inserted into his, uh, thang so that the preservatives can get into ALL of his tissue - preventing it from rotting (before the rest of him) and falling off. I can't really understand why it matters. I mean, who is going to exhume a man and need to find his thang intact?

Maybe that's why the coffin's lid is curved.

WAH WAH WAH!

I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday. I was sad about my best friend's mother dying, its effect on him and its effect on me too. I realized that I had noone that I can turn to right now to assuage my grief, or just to bitch to. My best friend is out - duh - and my closest bestest friend (my wife) is out too - her mom is dying by degrees. She called last night and after she told me about her day and her mom she was finished with the conversation. I had kinda hoped that I could talk about it a little, but nope. I can't talk to her about how I feel about her mom's condition anyway. I was having a pity party, feeling all put out about how I didn't get my turn. I knew intellectually that she has all she can handle dealing with her mom, but emotionally I was upset that she wasn't there for me. UNFAIR! boo hoo for me. I'm over it today. I fully understand that her needs are so much more than mine right now and she deserves my full support. Just like she would give me if it were my mom or dad. I'll be okay. I hope she will.

Just another day in the life of.....

Well. I've had an exciting weekend. NOT. We buried my best friend's mother Saturday. He is having a tough time (goes without saying, but I did anyway). He and I have been friends since college and the entire time I've known him, with the exception of a brief period, he has lived with his parents. (no, the movie isn't based on his life and no, he doesn't look anything like Matthew McConaughey). I mention this only to emphasize how close he was to his parents. Two years ago his father got pneumonia and never really recovered. My friend nursed his dad all of the time since, visiting him every day that he was in the hospital or in rehab. He took care of him when they took him home, fed him, bathed him, etc. until he died last December. While he loved his dad, was in the family business with him, his mom was his buddy. Her condition gradually worsened over this same time frame and he wound up having to care for both of them. When his dad died I thought that it was a blessing. His dad wasn't really there towards the end and his suffering was at an end. My friend was exhausted and I hoped that he could recoup his strength. We all prayed that his mom would improve, her loss on top of his dad would kill him. Well, she only lasted 3 months. Last Thursday I went to stay with my friend. At first he wasn't sure he wanted the company but when I walked in the door, we hugged and broke up for a few minutes and he said he was glad I came. When he wasn't with his brother and sister making arrangements for the funeral he and I hung out. We had a series of long talks about this and that, sometimes just shooting the breeze, sometimes about his folks. Between his girlfriend and myself we made sure that he got where he needed to be at the right times. Visitation was on Friday and lots of family & friends were there. He said that he felt guilty for enjoying himself getting to see everyone. The funeral was Saturday. (I found out that being the middle pallbearer means not seeing where you're going, small steps and tree limbs in the face. Just like in the cartoons, I swear.) Somehow we got through the afternoon and that evening he and I hosted friends and family at his house. He had a few too many and managed to have a good time. We puttered around the house Sunday and that evening I came home. Last night was the first night he spent alone in the house. Her presence is still strong there, the entire time I was there It felt like she was just in the next room. I'm sure its much more so for him and I'm worried about how he's handling it.

I think I'll give him a call.

Mixed Signals

A co-worker (who's cube is outside of my office on the opposite side of a low divider) has an arrangement with me whereby when she gets into an interminable phone conversation she will email me for a rescue. I am to walk over to her cube and "interupt" her with a "work related issue" so she can gracefully get out of the call. Yesterday afternoon I was talking to someone on my cell phone when I look up and see her waving her hand frantically, her head bobbing up and down. I think that I'm speaking too loud (of which I am frequently reminded) and get up and shut the door. I sit back down, still talking, and happen to glance at my screen. Uhoh. I get up, walk around to the office next door and get him to rescue her. I'm still in trouble, though. Maybe a reese cup will help.

Relatives

JESUS HELP ME 'cause if'n he don't I'm gonna kill her.

My best friend's sister has turned into the most hateful woman.... I can't believe the way she's been acting lately. Her mother hasn't been dead a day and she's already trying to get her share of the money. The last few days before her mom died, when something bad would happen she practically crowed her delight that she was that much closer to her inheritance. My friend is grieving and she's impatient for the moola.

This is the woman who hasn't held a job for a month or two her entire life. She lives in a trailer in her parent's back yard (since before I met her - 26 years ago) and they have pretty much supported her all of her life. I guess she thinks the world owes her a living 'cause she sure as hell don't earn one. She drives her mother's car and I hear they've been putting gas in it for her. She called herself taking care of her parents but only on her schedule. More than once my friend would come home from work at 8:00 pm and find that his mother hadn't had supper - apparently his sister's shift had ended mid-afternoon and she went out to her trailer.

I'm afraid she is going to take advantage of his grief and get him to agree to something to his disadvantage. I wish I could protect him from her. Maybe I can rally the troops and head her off at the pass.

Where's the indians when you need 'em?

What's Happen'n Now

I'm not really sure yet what I'm going to be doing here, initially I thought I'd setup someplace for me to vent, or "talk" when I don't have a real person to talk to, or do a bit of self-analysis, or all of the above. I guess I'm approaching this as an old-fashioned diary - except everyone has the key to it. Anyway, lets start......

Things are in the shitter right now. To put this into chronological order, here's what is been happening lately.

My mother-in-law has had a series of strokes over the past 5 - 6 years. At first they didn't know what was wrong, her doctors were thinking some unidentified brain disorder. You'd think that a stroke is pretty hard to miss..... Anyway, three weeks ago my father-in-law took her to the doctor because she had a sore on her foot that wasn't healing. (MIL is @79 and has diabetes among other things). Her doctor didn't like the look of it and admitted her to the hospital to treat the dry gangrene (read un-healed sore here). She's wheelchair bound (79, strokes, etc) and her hospital visit weakened her, so after a week she was to be moved to a rehab place. She was literally just inside the door when she had some kind of seizure. So she goes back to the hospital (via ER) and is diagnosed with having had a heart attack as a result of congestive heart failure and pneumonia. So. We pack our bags and head off to KC. (I am really trying to keep this the Reader's Digest condensed version). She stabilizes and after a week they talk the doctor into letting her go home (Friday).

Meanwhile (back at the ranch) I hear from my best friend that his mother is in the hospital, her congestive heart failure is acting up and has pneumonia too. (see a pattern here?)

Anyway, we head back home (16 hour trip over two days starting Saturday). We arrive home Sunday and get a call that MIL is back in the ER - this time for a heart attack AND a stroke. We head back to KC (15 hours in one day). She is much worse (duh), stable, but her prognosis is that she has a limited time left. She is lucid, but very weak. She cannot swallow anything without choking and/or aspirating so what nourishment she gets is intravenous. Liquids are building up around her heart and in her lungs. Not good. Meetings are held with family to discuss what to do. MIL has 5 (surviving) daughters and a son. These discussions were many and varied and, at times, heated. Should life sustaining measures be taken? Should she go into hospice care? etc, etc, etc. (gist: they are putting a feeding tube into her stomach, she'll move to a rehab place for skilled nursing for a week, then go home. To die.). So, I come home on Sunday (bills to pay) (14 hours, one day - I'm getting good at this), my wife having taken FMLA is staying with her mother.

I talked to my best friend on the way home on Sunday, his mom is not doing well, but she's had a good weekend. Monday I start back to work after being gone two weeks (jesus at the emails. maybe this place can't do without me. ha). Tuesday (yesterday) my friend calls, his mom just died.

My best friend and I met as roommates at college 26 years ago. He would invite me home over weekends where I met his mom and dad. She welcomed me into her home and made it mine. She treated me as family from the beginning and over the years told me several times that she thought of me as a son. That was actually the last thing she said to me when I saw her last. I'm having a hard time with this. (especially as her husband died last December. They were my family as much as my parents or my wife's.)

Anyway, I am to be a pallbearer. However, I took my only suit to KC on our second trip up (thinking I might be going to a funeral) and managed to leave it there. So, I had to buy a suit yesterday. The pants are being altered and through much persuasion will be ready this afternoon. I don't know if the funeral will be tomorrow (as I told the alterations staff when begging) or Friday.

What the hell am I going to do?

How does this damn thing work?

As This is my setup entry, it is gonna be short but not sweet.

Toldja.